I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
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And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
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who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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