I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
