Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I checked into jail on foursquare
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
