How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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