Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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