oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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