i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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