If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I did not marry a roomba.
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