so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
