Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
