he told me I talked like a deaf person
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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