if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
