Quick, to the slutcave!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
