3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
