Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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