thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
