I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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