He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
