I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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