I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
