Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I am midnight drunk by noon
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
