I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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