Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize