Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
