anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
