i was born a porn star she said
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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