Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Is it because I queefed?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
