My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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