I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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