This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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