Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
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LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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