i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
