Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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