batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
