Little spoons don't ask big questions
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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