Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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