To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
