I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
