I'm really into asian looking animals
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
