you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
