well I can't set my house on fire every night
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
