It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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