***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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