Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
