we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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