I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
