everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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