i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
