my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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