Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
