I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
