when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
