last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
