I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
