Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
