you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
