Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
