Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
