You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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