your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
