What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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