Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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