The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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