I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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