The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
