sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
