I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
