I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
